Below, Tom Kallene writes about God in the Sleepless Night, and all I can say is, I wish I could take such sleepless nights in stride as Tom apparently does.
This is my fifth in a row. It has been a harrowing week – interiorly, not exteriorly.
A panorama of futility has opened up to me – the selfishness of false friends, the hypocrisy of believers, the lack of love – so I wish I could say as Tom does that I lie awake with the warm presence of God beside me. I do not lie awake, I pace and fret, even in what passes for prayer. God may be present in this, but He’s not quietly beside me. He’s the hound of heaven and his baying is keeping me up.
The worst part of it all is that I’m complicit. I’m in the midst of all this sin that I see around me. My sin has been putting my faith in princes and in the sons of men, of allowing my love to be spent on fruitlessness, atomized like mist over this valley of emptiness.
It’s one thing to be a fool for God, or even a fool for love. It’s another thing to be a fool.
If there is solace, it is in repentance. For the days are sinful and the nights are sleepless and we chase our own tails like mad dogs, running in a circle.
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly.
But, thank you, Jesus, not all.
Dear Kevin,
For what it’s worth: You’re not “complicit”, you have no need to repent, you’ve done nothing wrong. One first blames the other party and then oneself, but neither is to blame. The truth is that as long as you do the mea culpa bit, you’re continuing to assume a responsibility and control that is not yours. Give that up and you’re left with what God wants you to be left with: him.