To my surprise, I have developed a sleeping disorder, a type of insomnia. I say “to my surprise” because there is no good reason why I shouldn’t sleep well. Never as an adult have I had so little to worry about, the usual explanation for such a thing. The last two years, in which I have slept progressively worse, have been full of blessings and a rewarding deepening of my spiritual life.

I would like to add that it comes and goes, and is actually much better now than a year ago. Not only that, but the sleepless night also has its positive side, in as much as those long hours can be put to good spiritual use.

They say that typically the insomniac feels a sense of desperation, as he wakes up and is unable to go back to sleep. It has not been my case, quite the opposite. Often a strange sense of peace comes over me that stimulates prayer and meditation. Alone awake in the night, I feel very close to God, a sense of complicity that is uncommon in daylight hours. It’s not so much a “dark night of the soul” thing; it’s closer to the long night of the Garden of Gethsemane. When I know that I won’t sleep, I offer my sleepless night in prayer to Christ as a small token of gratitude for what He suffered for me. I count my blessings: that I am in a warm bed in our home, a comfortable apartment in the center of Madrid, and that otherwise I am in excellent health. At dawn, I can sometimes hear the faint sound of bells at a nearby convent where I sometimes attend mass, calling to lauds.

I don’t wish to paint too rosy a picture. When you have to get out of bed, after a night with little sleep, when the legs buckle, and a rush of nausea comes over you, well, it is not a lot of fun. A night or two one can take in stride, but more than that and the mind goes to mush and the body turns rubbery. They say that depriving someone of sleep is the best form of torture.

But strangely, my occasional bouts with insomnia have become a part of my inner life. Like so many of us, I’ve come to find that Grace is everywhere and that God has special rewards for the sleepless too.

And when you go back to sleeping well, eight hours of sleep is something glorious indeed.