It has been said that the greatest test an author’s popularity is how often their work has been spoofed. This is especially true of Gene Rodenberry’s “Star Trek” and J.R.R. Tolkien’s Middle Earth Legendarium. 

Some time ago, I created the following parody of both “Star Trek” and “The Lord of the Rings.” I hope that those who read it have as much fun as I did creating it.

“The Lord of the Rings IV: The Wrath of Saruman.”
A Film by Gene Rodenberry.
Based upon a Screenplay by Brendan D. King.

A frozen arctic coast stirred by hurricane-force winds. Inside an igloo, Aragorn and Faramir are being held by fourteen large Orcs in parkas. They all seem to be waiting. Into the entrance steps a tall figure flanked by four more Orcs. His parka hood is thrown back.

Aragorn: (Aloud, despite himself). “Saruman!”

Saruman is stunned by the recognition and comes over to examine Aragorn and Faramir.

Saruman: (Finally) “You I don’t know. But YOU. I never forget a face. Strider, isn’t it?” (Wonderingly) “I never expected to see your face again.”

Faramir: “Your Majesty, who is this man?”

Aragorn: “An Istari traitor of the Third Age. I demand…”

Saruman: “You are in a position to demand nothing. I, on the other hand, am in a position to grant nothing. What you see here is all that remains of the armies of Orthanc, exiled here five years ago by Gandalf the White.”

Faramir: “Listen to me, you Orcs…”

Saruman: “Save your strength. The Uruk-Hai were bred to live and die at my command before you ever ascended to the Stewardship of Gondor. Do you mean your King never told you the tale? Never told you how Gadalf left us here with only the contents of these igloos to sustain us?”

Aragorn: “You lie! In Forochal there was a mild climate, a fair chance to…”

Saruman: “THIS is Forochal!! The glaciers of Forodwaith migrated southward six months after we were left here. The White Rider never bothered to check on our progress. It was only my superior intellect that enabled us to survive! In Orthanc, five years ago, I was a Prince, with armies of millions. Now, like Prometheus, I have been left by Gandalf to digest my own entrails!”

Aragorn: “Gandalf revered you as a father! You repaid him by betraying everything the Istari ever stood for!”

Saruman gives Aragorn a brual slap in the face.

Saruman: “I’ll wager your King never told you about the heroic Councillor Grima of Rohan, who gave up everything to join me in exile. And see how Gandalf repaid his loyalty. He’s as dead as the glaciers!!”

Saruman’s eyes fill with tears.

Saruman: “A plague upon you all.”

He swiftly regains his composure.

Saruman: “You didn’t expect to find me, did you? You thought this was Forodwaith. Why are you here?”

 No response. Saruman grabs Aragorn by the throat with one hand and lifts him into the air. A terrified Aragorn struggles for breath but remains silent. Saruman lets go and lets him fall with a thud.

Saruman: “No matter. You will soon tell me willingly enough.”

He goes over to a tank and pulls out two wriggling eels.

Saruman: “Meet Forochal’s sole remaining indigenous life form. Along with the cold, they’ve killed thousand’s of my followers, including my beloved Grima. Their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex, making the victim quite vulnerable to suggestion. Later, as they grow up, there follows madness, paralysis, and death. These are my pets, of course, and not quite domesticated.”

Saruman: “Saruman, listen to me. Gandalf was only doing his duty…”

Aragorn and Faramir scream in agony as Saruman drops the eels into their ears. Then, their faces transform into blank indifference.

Saruman: “Now, you will tell me why you are here and where I can find Gandalf the White.”

Uruk-Hai Orc: “And when we find him?”

Saruman: (Seething with Hatred). “Have you ever heard the Rohirrim’s proverb that revenge is a dish best served cold? Well, it is very cold in Middle Earth.”

Uruk-Hai Orc: “My Lord, if I may, you have already beaten Gandalf the White. We have the supplies, sleds, and dog teams brought here by these Men of Gondor. There is nothing to stop us from leaving and resettling wherever we wish.”

Saruman coldly shakes his head.

Saruman: “He tasks me, he tasks me, and I shall have him! I’ll chase him round the snows of Forodwaith and round the ash of Mordor and round Perdition’s flames before I give him up!”

Uruk-Hai Orc: (Sadly) “As you wish, My Lord.”

Uruk-Hai Orcs kneel in submission before a beaming Saruman.