So my grandmother demanded whenever I might be caught hiding in a tree, or maybe in a closet. I could never answer. Despite all sorts of childhood risk-taking—tree-climbing, running barefoot through sandspurs, broadjumping over hot washtubs—I was apparently impervious to physical injuries or pain. Ailments aren’t physical for some of us, and injuries aren’t visible. These, from an early age, I attracted like a sponge. But sometimes, even the most absorbent sponge becomes saturated, so that a single drop of water makes a bruise, however invisible it may be. Then, there’s nothing to do but run off somewhere and hide—which I often did, never able to answer, “what ails you?”

There are lots of pain remedies available, all at a price. None of them work for more than a moment, and they all have side-effects—some of which are so severe they’re soul-destroying. A last resort might be to look at Eastern mystics, walking on hot coals, etc., but I have often thought about how they have luxuries not available to Christians, who are forbidden the ultimate remedy of masochism. Nor do we have a right to climb a cross (it’s occupied already) in order to see ourselves as saints, or to see our personal pain as a “sacrifice” (presumably on behalf of those who hurt us.)

The plain truth is that we don’t have an answer to “what ails you?” because there isn’t one. If you’re rejected, criticized, condemned, despised, ostracized, abandoned, neglected, abused (non-physically), unloved, or otherwise beaten (non-physically) and driven from the tribe, the hard truth is that there’s nothing you can do but hurt. There is, however, this: http://www.catholictradition.org/Litanies/litany55.htm

Indications: For non-physical ailments, including empathic symptoms. Especially recommended for those subject to addictions or other self-destructive behaviors.

Directions: Take one dose in the morning on an empty stomach and one dose at bedtime followed by an examination of conscience. Must be chewed slowly.

Active ingredients: 100% reality. Not recommended for those with allergies.

Try it for ten days. Guaranteed to cure what ails you or your money back (if accompanied by fidelity-receipt.) Offer void in states where prohibited by self-deceit. Accept no escapist imitations. Insist on authentic humility. Prescribed for private use only.