Just when you thought Peter Jackson couldn’t have done any worse at desecrating Tolkien’s vision, you come across:

 

“Chilling Thoughts for Tolkien Fans.”

By Brendan D. King.

 

“If ‘The Lord of the Rings’ were Directed by George Lucas.”

 

Saruman: [Addressing Sauron’s image in the Palantir] What is thy bidding, my Master?

Sauron: There is a great disturbance in the North.

Saruman: I have felt it.

Sauron: We have a new enemy. The Ranger who dispersed the Nazgul. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Arathorn Arador’s son.

Saruman: How is that possible?

Sauron: Search your feelings, Saruman of the Many Colors. You will know it to be true. He could destroy us.

Saruman: He’s just a boy. Gandalf can no longer help him.

Sauron: The Valar favor him. The son of Arathorn must not become the King.

Saruman: If he could be turned, he would become a powerful ally.

Sauron: [intrigued] Yes… He would be a great asset. Can it be done?

Saruman: He will join us or die, Master.

 

“If ‘The Lord of the Rings’ were Directed by Martin Scorsese.”

 

The Fellowship are sitting in ‘The Prancing Pony’ laughing hysterically at a story told by Gimli.

        Aragorn: That’s hilarious! You’re really funny. You’re really funny!

        Gimli: What do you mean I’m funny?

        Aragorn: It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story. You’re a funny guy.

        Gimli: (Bristling). What, do you mean the way I talk? What?

Everyone suddenly stops laughing.

        Aragorn: It’s just… You know, you’re funny. It’s funny. The way you tell the story and everything

        Gimli: Funny how? What’s funny about it?

        Gandalf: Gimli, no. You got it all wrong.

        Gimli: Yo, Gandalf. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. (To Aragorn). Funny how?

        Aragorn: Just…

        Gimli: What?!

        Aragorn: Just… You know, you’re funny.

        Gimli: Let me understand this, cause maybe its me, I’m a little hopped up maybe. Funny how? You mean funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to amuse you. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

        Aragorn: Just… You know, how you tell the story.

        Gimli: No, no! I don’t know! You said it! You said I’m funny! How the heck am I funny?! What the heck is funny about me?! Tell me, tell me, what’s funny?!

Long Pause.

        Aragorn: Get the heck outta here, Gimli.

Everyone laughs.

        Gimli: You stutterin’ wimp, you! I almost had him! I almost had him! Gandalf, wasn’t he shakin’? I wonder about you sometimes, Strider. You may fold under questioning!

        Aragorn: (Narratin) As long as I can remember I always wanted to be a Ranger.