If The Lord of the Rings Were Written by Gilbert and Sullivan

To the Music of Tit-Willow from The Mikado.
 Adapted by Brendan D. King.

Samwise Gamgee: (To Rose Brandybuck)

1.
In a cave ‘neath a mountain an ancient hobbitt
Hissed, “Precious, my Precious, my Precious.”
And I said to him, “Gollum, O why do you sit
Hissing, ‘Precious, my Precious, my Precious?
Is it weakness of intellect, Smeagol?” I cried.
“Or an undercooked fish in your little inside?”
With a shake of his poor little head he replied,
“O Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”

2.
He slapped at his chest as he stood o’er Mount Doom,
Hissing, “Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”
And a dark inspiration arose in his gloom.
“O Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”
He sobbed and he sighed and a gurgle he gave
Then he plunged himself into the fiery wave
And an echo arose from the suicide’s grave,
“O Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”

3.
Now I feel just as sure as I’m sure that my name
Isn’t “Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”
That t’was blighted affection that made him exclaim,
“O Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”
And if you remain obdurate, Rosie then I
Shall perish like Gollum and you will know why
Though I probably will not exclaim as I die
“O Precious, my Precious, my Precious!”