If The Lord of the Rings were written like a Hannibal Lecter movie…

 

Adapted by Brendan King from the novel “Red Dragon” by Thomas Harris.

 

Aragorn enters and sits down across from Gollum’s cell.

 

Gollum: “That’s the same atrocious aftershave you wore while hunting me.”

 

Aragorn:  “Yes. I continue receiving it for Christmas.”

 

Gollum: “Christmas, yes. Did you get my card.”

 

Aragorn: “Yes. Thank you.”

 

Gollum: “So nice of the other Rangers to forward that. They wouldn’t give me your home address.”

 

Aragorn: “Gandalf the Grey showed me your article on raw fish in ‘Gourmet Magazine.'”

 

Gollum: “And?”

 

Aragorn:  “Very interesting, even to a Ranger.”

 

Gollum: “You say you’re a Ranger. Yet it was you who caught me, wasn’t it, Strider?”

 

Aragorn: “I want you to help me, Smeagol.”

 

Gollum: “A new Darkness rising in the East. You want to know his weaknesses, don’t you.”

 

Aragorn: “I thought you might have some ideas.”

 

Gollum: “Why should I?”

 

Aragorn: “You will be permitted to see the file on recent Orc raids. There’s another reason also.”

 

Gollum: “I’m all ears.”

 

Aragorn: “I thought you might be interested to know whether you are smarter than the person we’re fighting against.”

 

Gollum: (Seething with Hatred): “Then by implication you think you’re smarter than I am, since it was you who caught me.”

 

Aragorn: “No. I know that I am not smarter than you.”

 

Gollum: “THan how did you catch me?”

 

Aragorn: “You had disadvantages.”

 

Gollum: “What disadvantages?”

 

Aragorn: “You’re insane.”

 

Gollum: “That sun-tan lotion is something an Elvish Princess would select. It has a little ship on the bottle, am I correct? How are Elrond and the lovely Arwen? They’re always in my thoughts, you know. You will not persuade me with appeals to my intellectual vanity.”

 

Aragorn: “I don’t believe I will persuade you at all. You will either help me or you won’t.”

 

Gollum: “Is that the Orc raids file?”

 

Aragorn: “Yes.”

 

Gollum: “With postmortem reports? Let me keep them and I might consider it.”

 

Aragorn: (Disgusted): “No.”

 

Gollum: “Do you dream much, Strider?”

 

Aragorn: “Goodbye, Smeagol.”

 

Gollum: “You haven’t even threatened to take away my books yet! Give me the file then, and I’ll tell you what I think.”